Day Eighty-Five: Out of Gas

I admit it. I'm out of gas. I'm out of ideas. I'm out of enthusiasm. I am certain this is why my writing has become sporadic. When I started writing, back in August of last year, I couldn't wait to write the next day's blog entry. I eagerly ran to my computer each
each day, making time when there was none, just to get my thoughts down on the screen and sent out into the void called the web. I have found that lately, this just isn't the case. I have tried to figure it out over the past month or so without much success. At first I

though that it was stress. Yes, I have been over stressed, but that has ebbed and flowed over the past six months. I am never stress free, as it is part of the package with four kids, a mortgage and an A+ personality type. Then I thought it was writer's block. I have

to be honest with myself here. Although I have been writing a blog, I cannot with a straight face call myself a writer. I don't know when one is really a writer, but I suspect it has more to do with hours of dedication and not the random musings of an amateur blogger. Thus, writer's block is out. It turns out that it is simply the fact that I am out of gas.

I was sent a link to a web page recently: www.givingchallenge.ning.com. This site challenges the visitor to give away something for 29 consecutive days. The something to give away can be anything; money, clothing, a smile, kind words, whatever you can manage to give with a pure heart. The idea is to start thinking beyond yourself and measure the self transformation over the course of the month. The idea is somewhat similar to mine, that is why my friend thought I'd be interested in reading about it. I'm glad I visited the site because I immediately felt renewed to pursue my own giving quest.

There is nothing more transformative than the act of giving. It is virtually impossible to be self absorbed, unhappy, depressed, worried, stressed, anxious or lethargic when giving. As the above site demonstrates, it doesn't have to be material. I have been a bit obsessed with our current financial picture and my current inability to contribute to the family's income. I can't get much more self absorbed than that. Focusing so much energy inward over the past few months directly lead to my inability to give, to think beyond my own worries, to be creative and to write. A starker lesson could not have fallen out of the sky and into my lap. To be a balanced person, to find happiness and larger meaning, it is simply a matter of moving beyond one's self.

I resolved at the beginning of this year not to make any resolutions. I'm so happy with that decision. I'm sure I would have resolved to spend less, save more and lose 10 pounds. Me, me, me. Instead, I let the resolution find me. I have discovered through a bit of self reflection and the happy coincidence of a friend sharing a bit of positive energy, the way to get back on track. Although, I must admit, I don't believe in coincidences. I believe the universe always delivers what is needed so long as all portals are open, aware and receptive. I'm taking the challenge. I'm ready to give away something over the next 29 days. I am fueled up and ready to go. First stop, driving out of my self absorption box with the windows down, wind in my hair and tunes blaring! Away I go!

Day Eighty-Four: Tiger Viewing

When did we get so mean? This absolute reveling in the downfall of the rich and famous? Obviously, there is something pruriently entertaining in the misfortune of those so fortunate. The glee is palpable. The vibe so raw with negative energy. Tiger certainly is not the first celebrity to fall from grace, nor will he be the last, but wow, are we mean or what?!

I was just upstairs, changing my youngest into pajamas while watching the end of the evening news. As I was finishing up, one of the worst shows on t.v. blared across the 42 inch high definition screen- Entertainment Tonight. My hands were full and I couldn't turn the channel fast enough. The lead story? Was Tiger hiding out in a New York hotel suite with another mistress while his wife is taking care of his kids. Do they know? Of course not. Does it matter? Not one whit. Without any information, this is the lead story anyway. The headline sounds juicy. It grabs viewers and spins out the same personally embarrassing and painful information that makes the Woods family hide under their collective bed covers and in the hope that the world will go away. It won't. The muckrakers, the paparazzi and, ultimately the majority of the American public will still pry, still peek in the windows and still dance with zeal at the squirming rich and famous.

I'm all for the occasional zinger. We all deserve to be taken down a peg now and again. When we have become too big for our britches, we need to be reminded that we all put those britches on one leg at a time. The ability to laugh at ourselves is essential to our humanity. How else can we be compassionate and empathetic if we cannot see ourselves as part of one collective community with similar foibles and failings? The occasional zinger is not what is taking place here. It is the modern version of a public stoning or the lion eating the gladiator in the Colosseum. It is ugly and mean. For me, it has long ceased being funny.

This is not to say that I am above it all. If I am honest with myself, I have taken pleasure in the pain of others when those others have been less than kind to me. I have had that secret smirk on my face upon hearing some juicy gossip about someone who has made my sh#% list. I don't know if this is a personal failing or simply normal. I am not a saint nor have I ever professed to be one. Still, these were personal circumstances where I thought someone has deserved their comeuppance. The pleasure of public humiliation of people I have never met, will most likely never meet nor ever get to know on any real level escapes me. How can we place public people up on a pedestal and then expect them not to fall off? Maybe that is the point. The elevation of figures- sports heroes, politicians, movie stars, divas, and artists- to an unrealistic height may be just so we can push them off the proverbial 20 story building and hear them scream the whole way down.

Some people come back bigger and better for the experience. We as a collective seem to love that too. Americans love an underdog, or so the saying goes. Somehow, that is not the real story. The majority of people put through the paces of media torture have not made it out the other side. I genuinely feel sorry for Monica Lewinsky, Gary Hart, Amy Winehouse and the other hundreds of littered reputations of past celebrities. Whatever they may have done, short of criminal, they are human, as are we. They deserve a bit of compassion after the fall. It is something that we would all want if we were in their place. I will continue to try to ignore all the sordid details of the Tiger Wood story. It is virtually impossible if I am breathing, but I will try. For the sake of all of us, I hope you do too.

Day Eighty-Three: Happy N0 Resolutions

"Resolutions? ME?? Just What are you implying? That I need to change?? Well, Buddy, as far as I'm concerned, I'm perfect the way I AM! -Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson

Is there anything more annoying the ritual of making resolutions for the New Year? Who the hell came up with this idea? It is just one more thing to add to the never ending "To Do" list; one more thing to feel guilty about when it doesn't get done; one more thing to mull over during the endless hours of insomnia. I say who needs it?! Do you self a favor, a random act of kindness if you will, and don't get sucked in. Take a stand. Be one of the resolution-less nonconformists and move into the new year without declaring what is less than perfect in your life.

I was reading an interview of Suze Ormond in Good Housekeeping recently. She told the story of the one and only time she made a New Year's resolution. She was taping a spot for the Oprah Show for the New Year (then 2009). She was asked what her resolution would be. Instead of just saying she doesn't make any, she declared that she was going to exercise everyday. At the time of making this declaration, she was already in the habit of exercising everyday. Of course, once she announced this on national t.v., she stopped exercising and hasn't gone back to exercising since. I find the meaning of this story absolutely true: Making a New Year's resolution is like cursing yourself. Once the declaration is made, the Id digs it's heels in and fights the Ego every step of the way dooming the individual to failure. The Id is Calvin declaring that we are perfect just the way we are and the Ego is our brains telling ourselves that 'This Is the Year" that we can overcome all those years of bad habits, laziness and complacency. Again, I emphatically ask, why do it?

So, dear readers, my resolution is to have no resolution. I know I need to eat better, lose 10 pounds, exercise everyday, spend wisely, save money, stop yelling when I am angry, find more patience, find balance between work and relaxation, be more present and less distracted, create world peace, find a cure for cancer and have myself canonized as a saint in the process. The reality is that I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with-a disturbing lack of estrogen, little sleep, Diet Coke and a house full of kids. I always know what I need to do and sometimes I even do it, but never when I declare my intention to do what needs to be done. I do it when get damn good and ready to do it. That is human nature. I plan to go with Mother Nature on this one.