Day Ninety-Eight: Mom's Parenting Dirty Little Secrets

Dirty Little Secrets, Who doesn't have any? We all have things we would like to keep the neighborhood from talking about. I believe that secrets have a way of always coming out, bubbling up to the surface like the Titanic at just the worst possible moment. Living the truth is the only way to assure that our secrets don't bite us in the ass when we can cope with them least.

I have often said that the hardest part of my transition from career track to Mommy track was the feeling of being left in the dust by the perfect Uber-Moms all around me. You know the type, the Moms who love to go to play dates with their toddlers, who make all the homemade, gluten free, heart healthy snacks for the classroom, who live in their minivans carting around their offspring to violin lessons, Chinese lessons and karate class all with a smile on their face and a song in their heart. Ugh. The thought turns my stomach. Who can live up to that? Well, it turns out, none of us can. The sooner that we all own that, claim it, share it and accept it, the better we as Moms will be.

I just read "Dirty Little Secrets: from Otherwise Perfect Moms" by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Noble. I have read their other books, "I Was a Really Good Mom Before I had Kids" and "I'd Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper" with a great deal of relief and more than a bit of joy. The real secret is that none of us are perfect, we all sick of the comparison/competition with other Moms and that we all need a lot more laughter in the everyday. I whole heartily agree! These women were fast track marketing professionals who then decided to stay at home to raise children. They found what I found: it is really hard to find "real" people while staying at home. Their answer was to write about it. They interviewed in great depth over 100 Moms from all over the country to get the material for their books. Here is a sampling of my favorites from "Dirty Little Secrets" (Otherwise known as "Been There, Done That"):

(Dedication)

to all moms

who are courageous enough to speak the truth, lift the veil,

and tell it like it is. Your honesty puts us one step closer

to loving motherhood as much as we love our kids.

(my two cents: AMEN, SISTERS!!!)

Sometimes I think the Nanny does a better job than I do.

My shrink tells me we need to laugh more.

What a waste of money.

Some nights when my husband and I go to bed,

I roll over and"play dead."

All I can think is "I just can't handle it if one

more person pokes me today."

When I'm at Safeway I buy a Nordstrom

gift card and charge it as groceries.

I can justify it that way.

Planning dinner usually throws me over the edge.

One night when I was stressing out and my 4 year old

son looked up at me and said,

"Just order the f*$%in' pizza!"

My kids yell because I yell at them.

I tell my husband I am going to go potty but actually

lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the edge of the tub,

and read People.

In keeping with the theme of total honesty and lifting the veil, here are some "Dirty Little Secrets" I can add to the conversation:

Whenever my kids want to go to Chuck-E-Cheese or some other

horrible kid-type place, I often tell them that its closed.

That way, I escape the inevitable whining and begging.

I figure that I grew up watching too much crap t.v. but still managed to

graduate from law school. Thus, I rarely feel guilty using the t.v.

as my babysitter when I need to be left alone.

I had four kids, so I figure that means there are built in play partners. I am officially

off the hook for playing army guys, play dough or cops & robbers.

That's what their brothers are for.

If I could get away with it, I would serve breakfast

for dinner most every night of the week.

I am annoyed with the whole "Circle Notebook" concept.

("Circle Notebook" is one note written by kids to parents,

and parents write back once each week)

When my kids bring home their notebook for me to write in,

I wonder "Who said it was okay to have me do damn homework?"

I know the Nanny/babysitter/day care does a better job than I do.

Why the hell else would I pay them?

I'm okay with that.

I pretend I have no idea how my kids heard such a nasty word.

I have been told to "live in the moment," "be more present" and enjoy this time

more because it goes by so fast. That's all well and good, but when the moment

involves so much poop, vomit or other bodily secretions,

I could live without the moment.

There are days I absolutely know I would be a better mother if I went back to work.

I don't feel guilty about losing my temper with the kids.

They need to know, in no uncertain terms, that sometimes

they really are acting like little shits.

I don't love motherhood but I do love my kids.

Here's To Living the Truth,

Lifting the Veil and

Uplifting One Another.

GO MOMS!