Day Ninety-Four: What Makes a Family?

THE VARIED IMAGES OF MY FAMILY

Tim with Joey and Jacob Easter Egg Hunting



Life-Long Friends: Kelly, Terri & Frank in California

Seven Grandsons, One Set of Grandparents and a Long, Hot and Sticky Day at Story Land NH

Seven Great Grandsons and One Great-Grandmother, Helen



Two Grandmothers, Sandi & Jodi, and One New Baby David




Four Harrington Sisters-In-Law: Terri, Donna, Amy & Donna-Maria



Sisters Becki & Terri Exploring an Inaugural D.C. with Niece Kaitlyn




The Entire Harrington Clan at Christmas (okay, no noticed Jack was hiding...)

It is an interesting question, isn't it? What makes a family? There are as many faces of families as there are types of people in the world. There are those that want to define it. There are those that take it for granted. Sadly, there are even those who never really experience what it is to be part of a real family. I'm not interested in any definitions or legalities, I am only interested in its essence. A family is love. Sure, families are complicated, messy, infuriating, annoying, time consuming and exasperating. At the same time, families are safe, secure, dependable, loyal, lovable and absolutely necessary. The truth is that family is forever, no matter how much we want it to be so or how much we don't. Family is what makes life worth living.

I come from a very small, close knit family. We fight, argue and generally drive each other crazy, but we all have each other's back without question. I don't have any cousins and only one uncle, so family gatherings were not loud, raucous affairs, but they were the stuff that made for stability and plenty of good memories. The small number contrasted by the very large personalities created very intimate relationships. Many were forged in flames of conflict, but that is just how we did it, for good or for bad. We all know just about everything that there is to know about one another. You name it, we find out. It is all out there: finances, politics, health, joys, troubles, opinions and grudges. I have a feeling that those that have married into this group have had some moments of uncomfortable adjustment (to say the leas) but it is working out nonetheless. Despite how many times I lamented my loud, nosey family, I relish in the security of knowing that there are people who know me inside and out and will always love me just the same.

I was both blessed and cursed to marry into a very large Irish Catholic family. I was so terrified in the beginning. How would I ever learn all these names? Who belonged to who? How would I fit in? It turns out that these were non issues. I fit in my being myself. I remembered all the names and even the birthdays and anniversaries with the help of many visits and a large chart on my refrigerator. (Okay, I only remember the immediate family, I still generally have no ideas of names and relationships when we are at a wedding or family reunion. Those are the times I just nod and smile and ask questions of my husband later. Sometimes, he doesn't even know the answer.) There is always love and laughter at every gathering and even the added bonus of fun stuff like gossip, wine and girl talk. This large family has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I love being part of it.

I also know that my closest and oldest friends are family. I love them as much as I love my siblings and I can relax with them in ways I cannot with anyone else. I have always been an open book, so they know what they are getting from me; unconditional support, loyalty, more than a bit of judgment, unsolicited advice, many hours of rantings and ravings and always as much love as I can give. Family is not born of blood or marriage alone, and these 5 people are as much my family as anyone.

Of course, there is nothing like becoming a parent to drive home the meaning of family. I thought that getting married magically made a family. It many ways, it does. But there is nothing that compares to becoming a parent. The endless adoration, frustration, worry, expectation, exhaustion and joy can only be experienced by a parent. I think this is because it is the only relationship that has nothing to do with anyone but the "other." It doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, educated, illiterate, first-world, third-world, God-fearing or atheist; every parent who loves their child wants to give them the moon, see them succeed, and protect them from all harm. The methods and the means may be drastically different, but the core essence is the same. By no means do I think that this definition comes with biological ties only. Adopting babies or children or both must feel exactly the same. I know this not because I have an adopted child, but because I always wanted to have one. I discussed it with my husband years ago and we wondered aloud if it would feel different with an adopted child because we have biological children. Maybe I am naive, but in my heart of hearts, I know I would feel no different.

I recently saw an interview of Rosie O'Donnell. She was talking about a documentary she did for HBO on family, called "A Family Is a Family Is a Family." I know Rosie can be a very polarizing figure to add into this discussion. She is gay, she has adopted children, she is very famous, very opinionated and very loud. I, for one, really like her because her public persona feels very authentic. She doesn't appear to put on airs or be something she is not. I respect that and I like to think I am very much like that as well. I don't like everything she says or necessarily agree with all of what she is about. Regardless, you don't have to like her to understand what she is trying to say. A family is love. I believe that. If we teach that, the world becomes a much kinder and gentler place.

I love my family. I constantly learn from my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, my in-laws, my nieces, my nephews, my friends and especially my husband and children that nothing is more important than family. I hope that my family knows how much they mean to me. I am certain that I, along with my husband, will pass the importance and love of family onto my children. No matter what kindness I do for others: for neighbors, acquaintances or strangers, the kindness we show our family is often both the toughest to deliver and the most important to demonstrate. What makes a family? A complicated, messy and wonderful mix of people who love each other.