Day Sixty-Three: Books That Made a Difference In My Life

I decided to give books to a majority of those on my Christmas gift list this year. This started me thinking about many of the books I've read over the years. In Oprah's O Magazine, a column appears monthly in which a celebrity shares the "Books That Made A Difference" to them. The sharing of best loved books does indeed tell something insightful about the person who loves them. In keeping with that spirit, I have compiled a list of "Books That Made A Difference" in my life. It was very difficult to keep my list short, as many, many books have uplifted me and inspired me over the years. I found it easier to chose books that stand out the most from each important period of my life. In looking at my selections, you will gain some insight into what I think is important, entertaining and provocative. Clues to the makeup of my personality lie in each selection. You may also get inspired to pick up one or two of these books to see what they mean to you.

Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder (1935) Childhood

My love of reading was cultivated by my paternal grandparents, who read picture books to me before I could talk and didn't stop until I told them I was too old for story time. (Ah, the folly of youth.) This is the first book that I remember reading on my own. I loved this story of a smart little girl living in a different place and time. Despite our differences, the emotional struggles were the same: trying to please parents, the trials of friendships, sibling rivalry and the pains of growing out of childhood. I was a bit of a lonely, introverted child and Laura was the first of many characters that felt like my friend. I read every one of Ms. Wilder's books at least three or four times. I even remember inscribing my Little House on the Prairie to my future daughter at the age of 10. I don't know what ever became of these beloved books, but I still wish I had a little girl of my own that was reading them now. As much as I hate gender stereotypes, I have to admit that I don't think this is for my boys.

Honorable Mention (Childhood) Nancy Drew Mysteries by Carolyn Keene (1930).

Are You There God? It's Me Margaret. by Judy Blume (1970) Adolescence

I clearly remember reading this book while sitting in Mr. O'Leary's 7th grade English class. I remember because I was supposed to be reading something else, but I had this book hidden inside the one I was supposed to be reading. This was the first book I absolutely could not put down until I was done reading it. I read it during one school day. Oh sure, I had the "talk" with my Mom about my period and my girlfriends discussed it in confused terms during slumber parties but this was the first real insight into what I was feeling about the whole maturing process. In looking at this book again, I also realize that Margaret was very much like me. Like Margaret, I have a Jewish father and a Christian mother but no real religious upbringing. Although what resonated with me at the time I read it was the discussion of the onset of puberty, what the book is really about is Margaret's quest for a singular religion and a relationship with God. I have been on that search for many years and it remains unsettled. This book made me realize that many questions and feelings were universal and that reading a good book could feed a budding soul.

Honorable Mention (Adolescence): Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank (1947).

The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (1892) College Years

Of all the ideas that were presented to me during my four years of college study, this book stands out as far and away the most radical, insightful and life changing. I read this short story as part of a Women in Literature class. This story of an ordinary woman at the turn of the Century who descends into madness because of the stifling, repetitive demands of her life as a wife and mother. It was on the reading list because it is considered one of the first and most important works of American Feminist literature. It was so powerful because of the punch that was packed into a mere 6,000 words. An overbearing, controlling husband, confinement because of a "temporary nervous depression- a slight hysterical tendency common in women," the denial of creativity and freedom, the relative safety of her madness still brings chills to my spine. It was a brave thing to write at the time and it remains so. This could now be talking about postpartum depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder or simply the repression of a creative soul. These are still not easy topics to openly discuss or with which to deal. This story helped awaken my feminist belief that no person should be denied the opportunity to reach their potential.

Honorable Mention (College Years): The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (1943).

The Brethren: Inside the Supreme Court by Bob Woodward and Scott Armstrong (1979). Law School

Law school is not a place where a great deal of pleasure reading takes place. The shear volume of texts, case decisions and treatises is enough to make the average student go blind. (It is no coincidence that I needed to wear glasses for the first time after a year in law school.) I was fortunate enough to have this book as a reading assignment during my first year. This book is an inside look into the early years of the Warren Court- decisions of the 1969-1975 terms of Supreme Court during which Warren Burger served as Chief Justice. The case decisions of this time are monumental to the civil rights movement, the downfall of Richard Nixon and the very inspiration for my entry into law school in the first place. The inner workings of the Supreme Court remained shrouded in mystery until this book was published. This work illuminated the importance of personality, personal legal philosophy and political orientation upon the ultimate decisions of the high court. Upon finishing this book, I became firmly convinced that there is no greater long-term power the President enjoys than that of the power to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. All that has transpired since I finished this book in 1991 has proven longevity of this insight. The impact of the Supreme Court on American, everyday life is limitless. I believe the court is directly dependant upon moral, compassionate, forward thinking lawyers. This book makes me proud to be part of the legal profession.

No Honorable Mention because I didn't have the time or the will to read anything else during Law School.

Ahab's Wife: Or, The Star Gazer by Sena Jeter Naslund (1999) My 20s

After the rigors of law school, this book was recommended to me by my dear friend, Julie. This book is a beautiful epic about Captain Ahab's wife, from the classic Moby Dick. In that novel, there are only a few sentences referring to Capt. Ahab's young wife. This novel creates a entire lifetime from those few sentences. The sweeping scope of this work covers just about everything relevant to the time; the role of women, the role of men, slavery, child rearing, class and status, just to name a few. The heroine, Una, is ruled by independence, social justice and compassion. She is a stark contrast to Ahab's obsession with vengeance. My favorite review put it this way, "Call Me Una: According to his wife, Ahab was a decent guy and good in bed until that whale came along." (I love a great wise ass comment!) The writing is evocative and descriptive, transporting you to the time and place of Una's world. This novel reawakened my love of reading for just for pleasure after a long 3 years of singular study.

Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi (1991). My 2os

I drove my friends crazy reading this book! I remember laying on the beach in Scarborough, Maine with an assortment of girlfriends. I was 20-something, cute, bikini clad and tan. Instead of checking out guys or lathering on Coppertone, I was ranting and raving while reading this book. I mean Ranting and Raving! I remember saying, "Can you believe this...?!" "Whoa, you gotta hear this..." "Oh my God, this soooo pisses me off..." I am lucky my girlfriends didn't pick me up and throw me in the ocean, book and all. I was ruining a perfectly beautiful beach day with my feminist revelations. Maybe this is a clue as to why I wasn't dating very much at the time... This book was the first time someone put into words all the conflict I was feeling about the feminism of the 60s and 70s. There was a backlash going on in the 80s in the form of negative stereotyping of career-minded women, yet more and more women needed to work outside the home to keep the family afloat. The ideas in this book are still very relevant today, as stay-at-home mother v. working mother debate still rages on. This lit a fire in my belly and the ideas still do. I'd love to teach a class on this subject, but that is another dream to realize for another day.

Honorable Mention (My 20s): Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells (1997).

The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy: Or Everything Your Doctor Won't Tell You by Vicky Iovine (1999). My 30s

This is far and away the most down to earth, funny, true to life writing I have come across in my travels through books. She writes like I talk. This book is about exactly what it says it is about: what to really expect when you are expecting. I never fail to give this book as a baby shower gift. I have found, however, that some women just don't want to know. One person I gave this to said it scared the crap out of her, so she stopped reading it. I say knowledge is power, sister, so read on! I found it empowering to know that pregnancy was wonderful, gross, painful, embarrassing, confusing, frustrating and hilarious. It wasn't just me and my warped sense of humor. If you really want to know what it is like to be pregnant and to give birth, Vicky Iovine nails it right on the head! Her writing style showed me that there is an audience for my type of wry, sarcastic and funny writing voice. Now I just need to find it.

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden (1998) My 30s

This is a gorgeous, moving novel about a woman who makes the most of what little life had to offer. It is a fictional story told as a first person narrative so it reads like a diary. The meticulous attention to detail creates a vivid portrait of time and place, Japan before and after WWII. This novel is an example of what my favorite books are all about; immersion in an ancient and unfamiliar culture, seeing the world through eyes very different from my own, gaining a bit insight into my own life during this process, and the pure joy of a great read. This book truly seeped into my soul as I felt all Sayuri Nitta's ache, longing and pride. I was so sorry to say goodbye to her and her dignified struggles when it concluded. Her story has elements of truth for all women everywhere, but in the end it the story is very much her own. I haven't been able to bring myself to see the film because I love this book so very much. There is nothing a filmmaker could create for my eyes that could do these words justice.

Honorable Mention (My 3os): Ernie's Ark by Monica Wood (2004).

Cutting for Stone by Abraham Vergese (2009) My 40s

I was introduced to this book by my now defunct Book Group. I remember being annoyed that I had to buy it in hardcover, as at the time it was just released. It was the best book I read in years and well worth every penny. This is the story of two twin brothers born in an Ethiopian mission hospital to an Indian nun and a British surgeon. Once again, this is a sweeping story spanning lifetimes. This novel is about the role of medicine, family ties, individual calling, running from the past, reconciling with the present and moving into the future. Woven in are cultural elements about India, Africa, England and America as well as looking at the over all worldview as it existed from post WWII to present. The joy of this novel lies in the details; the brushstrokes creating time and place and the subtle nuances of emotions. In the end, I think this novel is about the beauty that lies in the work of healing, both of others and one's self.

Women & Money: Owning the Power To Control Your Destiny by Suze Ormond (2007) My 40s

Boy oh boy, do I need this book. I still haven't read the whole thing, because like my friend her experience with The Girlfriend's Guide, it scares the crap out of me. That is exactly the point. We all have that one self-help book on our list and this one is mine. After years of giving lectures and answering many desperate, heart wrenching questions from women in her audience, Ms. Ormond realized she really did need to write a book about women and their dysfunctional relationship with money. This is not to say all women need this book, but it seems that I am not alone in my willful blindness to all matters financial. I just rediscovered this book today, while compiling this list of books. I read half of it and helped me make some painful discoveries about my own irresponsibility with money. That is why I put it down and tucked it away. I was scared to learn more. Since I am now doing better, but not doing the best I can, I know I need to finish it. Old habits die hard and my psychological connection to immediate self gratification is a powerful one for me. I want more financial stability for myself , my husband and my children, so I am going to finish this book. There is a five month "Save Yourself Plan" that I will implement as of January 1, 2010. This is about the time that the first half of the book will allow me to breathe easy because there will be no outrageous Christmas bills to pay (God and Self-Control willing). As I said before, knowledge is power, so read on, sister!

Honorable Mention (My 40s): Sister of My Heart by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni (2000).

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin (1813) Book For All Times

This is my favorite book. I have read this book about 6 times and I am sure I will read it at least 6 more. Elizabeth Bennett is as free thinking and rebellious as eighteenth century England allows for, and that is not saying much, I know. Still, she is a wonderful, intelligent, plucky heroine. The themes in this novel are timeless; battle of the sexes, bad first impressions, class barriers, responsibilities to family, thwarted love and longing. This is an intelligent romance novel devoid of sex yet remains charged with sexual tension. I am not alone in my love and fascination with this novel. It remains on the top of just about every "Best Loved Book" list that has ever been compiled. Unlike most books I love, I did see two film adaptations of this novel, one of which I absolutely loved. The A&E version of Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth captures the essence and feel of this novel in every respect. However, don't pass up the book in favor of the film. Enjoy them both. This book is a treasure to be enjoyed again and again.

Honorable Mention (Book for All Times): The Color Purple by Alice Walker (1982).

Day Sixty-Two: Three Things

"A gift is your way of expressing how you feel about another person." These were Oprah's words of wisdom in her December "What I Know For Sure" column. I read her magazine cover to cover each month because it is full of empowering advice, interesting deeds and thoughts of all types of women, beautiful fashion and just plain positive energy. It is the one night of the month that I forgo what ever book I am reading and cuddle up with the latest issue. This month, instead of mentally shaking my head in agreement, I immediately felt dissention. Yes, a gift does express feeling, but not necessarily how you feel about someone. Many of us do not have enough money or time to express how we really feel about the recipient of our gifts. A gift is a mere token of our feelings, not a true expression of them.

As I ponder this idea, I am also reminded of cliche "Its The Thought That Counts." Again, I do not totally agree with this. It is true that receiving a gift means that someone took the time to remember you, so that thought is a gift in and of itself. However, a terrible gift is a terrible gift. Such a gesture, no matter how well intentioned, is not an entirely positive experience. Time and money has gone to waste. The recipient often wonders if this person knows the first thing about them, because if they did, they would never have given this "thing" to them in the first place. This sounds a bit selfish and even harsh, but let's be real. We have all thought it at one time or another.

I have been very careful this year in my planning for Christmas gift giving. Routinely, I have written up a list of everyone I need to remember and let my wanderings form the ideas for the gifts. This was part of the sport of Black Friday shopping, searching for the perfect gift among the millions of possibilities. This ritual, although enjoyable at the time, always had me overspending, buying much for then necessary and deeply in debt. This year I tried a new approach. I wrote up my list and let it sit. I thought about what I wanted to buy, what people need and would also enjoy, and how I should appreciate gift giving without a grand, expensive gesture. I am sure if I were in psychotherapy, my shrink would tell me that the urge to overspend on each gift is my need to be loved at the expense of my common sense. Susie Orman's words rang through my head," you are not being generous when you charge a gift you cannot afford." When I first heard that, I thought she was talking directly to me. Sounds simple, but it turns out that this has been the mentality of millions of women for many years.

I looked over my list and I got a few ideas, but I can't afford most of them. For some reason I start thinking about books. I love books. I loved them as a child and I love them still. I decide to pass on some of my favorites. I would love to get a good book, so I was happy with this decision. Still, it didn't feel like enough. The shrink in my head is talking to me, telling me to relax and stick with my thoughtfully considered decision. Still, it doesn't feel "like an expression of how I feel about" some important people in my life. What to do?

This idea popped into my head while I was driving the other day. (For some reason I get my best ideas when I'm driving.) Three things. I am going to give three things to everyone on my list and it is not going to cost me a thing. If a gift is supposed to express feelings, then why shouldn't the feeling be the gift? I will write down three things I like best about each person to whom I give a gift. So often we lament the fact that we don't tell those around us what we want them to know, Christmas seems to be a perfect opportunity. I am going to make up little cards with my three things written on the inside. The physical thing will be my token. The three things will be my gift. I think that this gift idea, more than any other I've had over the years, embodies the true meaning of the holiday season. Feel free to steal my idea. It is up for grabs and I hope it catches on. I can't think of anything I rather receive from the people that I love.

Day Sixty-One: Gift Giving Season Traditions

It is only November 12, and the holiday gift buying season is in full swing. I used to love the fact that the stores were in full spending mode: the too early decorations, the piped in holiday music, the sales, sales, sales. My favorite shopping day of the year used to be Black Friday, that crazy day after Thanksgiving when everyone is out in a mad throng to start buying for Christmas. I viewed it as an Olympic sport and I was in gold medal contention for fastest time for running up charge accounts. Now it seems, after all these years, I've lost my taste for it. I didn't even have to go to retail rehab. I guess I am gaining wisdom with age or some such sad state of affairs. Most likely, I got tired of the look on my husband's face each January when the bills started rolling in by the truckload.

Don't get me wrong, I still love shopping. I have two scheduled holiday shopping trips with one more yet to be scheduled. My love of the holiday shopping sport spawned new family traditions. The first of these is an overnight trip with my sister-in-laws to an outlet center destination. The excuse is getting our holiday shopping done, but the reality is the draw of a big slumber party complete with wine, p.j.s and late night gossip. The time away from the kids is also a big plus for me, which is why I probably suggested an overnight trip in the first place. This year we are off to Wrenthem and the inexpensive rooms at the Courtyard Marriot. Probably a bit cheesy, but who cares when the jokes are flying and the wine is flowing.

The other shopping tradition is the Black Friday shop-a-thon with my nieces. I started this because of my obsession with the crowds, the noise and the general shopping feeding frenzy appeal. I could now do without the craziness of the day, but it is worth it to spend time with my neices. Finally, I started a new tradition this year with my neighbors. Since we have so much fun on "ladies night", I chose a weekday in December for all of us to trek to the largest mall in our area for the day under the cover of holiday shopping. It is really an excuse to have a big lunch, have time on the rides down and back to talk without constant interruption and buy ourselves something nice. All of these traditions, old and new, may center around shopping, but what they are really about is connecting with girlfriends. These are traditions worth preserving.

I've managed to best the retail experts in that I have many days of "shopping" planned with very little actual shopping. My money will be spent on food, sweet treats and probably a pair of shoes that I need like a hole in the head, but it won't be on gifts. I resolve resist the impulse buys and absolutely not use credit so I may enjoy the New Year without the enduring reproach of my dear husband. I will use the shopping experience for my own devices and not be used up by the consumer mentality. I wish for you your own brand of fun during this crazy, consumer driven holiday season.

Day Sixty: Day Off

Well Deserved Rest

It is now Veteran's Day and instead of taking time to honor all those that have served this country honorably, I am lamenting the fact that the kids have a day off from school. As I was waiting for the school bus yesterday morning, some of the other mothers were commenting on the rash of illnesses that has overtaken our neighborhood. Thus, they concluded, this day off is a blessing. I almost laughed out loud! I don't know about them, but my kids will not use this day for rest. They will use this day to watch cartoon, play video games, wrestle, argue, sneak snacks when I am not paying attention and generally wreak havoc all over the house. Rest?! Some people are either much better parents or simply delusional.

Of course, there will be no rest for the adults in my house even though they really, really want some. My husband has been given a reprieve this morning, as I got up with the three year old and the dog at 6:00 a.m. My guess is that he will be able to "sleep in" until about 7:30, as that is about the time that shrieking laughter erupts from the breakfast table. I know I should be grateful for their glee, but that early in the morning with someone in the house trying to sleep, I only succeed in becoming annoyed. Remember, the sounds of the boys are always accompanied by the shrill bark of an over excited cocker spaniel. I know, I know, someday I will miss all of this, but that day is not today.

I don't think I will be doing anything in particular to honor veterans today. I did just send out the third monthly installment of boxes to soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. As in all holidays, I think it is best to honor the spirit of the holiday throughout the year. I especially think this is true for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as there is much to be grateful for and much joy to be shared. Of course, that gratitude and joy will not be found today during the breakfast free-for-all or during the daytime melee. On that note, I am off to make the troupes breakfast. I will don my psychological helmet and flack jacket as to keep my sense of humor about me during this day off from school.

Okay, cover me, I'm going in!!!

UPDATE: Despite my cynical response to the talk of rest during the day off from school, it turns out that it was a day of rest after all. A perfect storm of play dates, birthday parties and Tim's time off created a quiet house for most of the day. I was blessed with not one, but two naps, an unheard of occurrence for me. I was able to fight off the feeling of coming down with a cold because of the extra rest. I guess I owes the neighborhood moms a mental apology, as they were right after all. It was a blessing that the kids had the day off from school. What do you know, it is getting easier after all.