Okay. I admit it. I was suffering from "muffin top." You know, that bulging mound of flesh that pops over the top of pants that just don't fit. This was particularly distressing because the pants in question are the four pairs of jeans I purchased after spending a year of my life on Weight Watchers and getting into a size that I never dreamed possible. Did they shrink? Of course not. I think it had more to do with the fact that I haven't exercised since I tore through the woods looking for a lost 3 year old and my favorite breakfast food has become anything containing chocolate chips. Go figure. As luck would have it, I caught a nasty case of the flu earlier this week and have dropped a magical 4 pounds.* It took 2 months of Weight Watchers to do that in a past life. It seems that I have not gained a large amount of weight over the course of this past year (9 pounds to be exact), but it has all settled in the spot where I carried four growing fetuses. Apparently, once you carve out a large cavern in your midsection, all things migrate back to fill the now empty expanse. Now I have only 5 pounds to go. Translation: I either need one more bout of the flu or about 10 years on Weight Watchers. I will say, the jeans fit better, but still not good enough to wear with anything but a large over sized tent as a top to cover that dreaded muffin top.
Since I have not been able to do anything except sit, lay or curl in a fetal position, I took this as an opportunity to catch up on my tivo. Of course, that means lots of Oprah. (What am I going to do with my sick time when she goes off the air?!) I watched a particularly good episode entitled "Oprah, Make Over My Man." I almost deleted it. After all, how many rednecks, pot heads and 80s rockers can be made over before it all gets a bit repetitive. I watched it only because my favorite men of fashion were featured; Tim Gunn of Project Runway and Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. (I miss that show). They both have impeccable taste; all quality, no fads and clean, simple silhouettes. Classic. Love It! As I was laughing my butt off watching Carson chase down badly dressed men walking the streets of Chicago, I actually learned something. Carson showed us that men have "Dad Jeans" just like women have "Mom Jeans." Bad jeans. Ugh. What I didn't know that the universally flattering jean is 1.) classic cut, 2.)mid-rise & 3.) dark wash. This goes for men as well as women. What?! You mean I shouldn't be trying to squeeze back into my low rise, thong-bearing (if I wore a thong that is), stone washed designer jeans? Epiphany!!!!
The next time I was able to drag my weak, but skinnier butt to the mall, I went on a mission. I would find a pair of flattering jeans! I did. It took 37 pairs of jeans, 2 hours and about a pound of sweat, but I found them. Guess what, Carson was right. I purchased a pair of dark washed, classic boot leg, mid-rise jeans that didn't give me muffin top, a peak at my butt when I bent over and the ability to wear a tee-shirt again without embarrassment. I was so happy, I was willing to spend what ever was on the price tag- well, up to $100. Yes, $100 for a pair of jeans. Actual Cost: $29.99 at Macy's. The best fitting pair of jeans were the Macy's label, Style & Co. Not Donna Karan, Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren or even Levi's . I didn't find them at Gap, Nordstroms (Not Your Daughter's Jeans for $120.) or Ann Taylor. I tried. I tried to spend too much. But, it turns out, that great fashion advice is timeless and budget friendly. Stick to the 3s when looking for jeans. Don't worry about the size, price, label or fads and try on every pair until you can't stand it one minute more. It works.
I look good in jeans again. Thank you Carson, Oprah and Macys. Now, could you please pass the pumpkin pie...
* As you may recall, my favorite movie line is from The Devil Wears Prada, "I'm just one stomach flu away from my perfect size."
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