Day Fifty-Six: Too Much?

A Few Things I Let Them Try On Their Own:

Joey Mixing Cookie Dough

Josh Go-Carting

Jack "Driving"

Jacob Helping With Yard Work

I have no idea, once again, if I am doing this right! Am I doing too much? As you all know by now, I am a type A+, get-it-all done perfect, hovering type of person. Add motherhood to this mix and it is down right scary. I have been wondering if my personality type, great for all aspects of drudgery (organizing, cleaning, errand running, etc.) is not so great for rearing independent children.

My nine year old needs a great deal of direction, or so I have been telling myself for years. I now suspect that my direction has breeded a dependence on that very direction. There is no doubt in my mind that he has an "absent-minded professor" aspect to his personality. Clothes strew about in his wake, one project abandoned for the next, forgetting just about everything going out the door and forgetting it again at school when he comes home are just some examples of his dreamy nature. Yet, he is incredibly intelligent. His verbal skills often rival the 40 year old adults around him, no doubt the product of two trained litigators. Then why can't he tie his shoes in a manner that keeps them on his feet?

A side effect of my type A+ personality is a boat load of impatience. Couple impatience and perfectionism with four boys under the age of nine, and you have a recipe for disaster. I have caught myself many, many times doing things for my kids simply because I don't have the patience or the time to wait and watch them do it themselves. Are they going to be asking their prom dates to tie their shoes? Will their college professors stand over them to make sure they are on task with their thesis paper? Will their coaches make sure they have all their equipment before they get on the bus? No, no and no. I know this. What I don't know is, how old is too old for hovering? When is it good parenting to step back and watch them suffer consequences for failing to do what is expected of them? How does an A+ type personality with a huge marshmallow for a heart do that? When does protecting and teaching your kids morph into coddling and smothering?

I know that I must make myself step back and let my nine year old learn some life lessons. It is very hard for me and because I have set it up that way, I think it will be very hard on him too. I remember it being said that all the mistakes are made on the oldest. I am learning that this is, in fact, true. There is a reason people rely on birth order traits. It just seems to me that others have a better balance. It is likely that those I am thinking of do not have a type A personality and are not first born children, as I am. It is also likely that they do not have four children, who are all boys, all within 24 months of each other. God doesn't give you what you cannot handle, so I am confident that I will figure all this out just in time for my three year son's college graduation.

In the meantime, I resolve to stop picking up their messes. I clearly remember saying that I will raise boys who know how to clean up after themselves, makes themselves a meal and do their own laundry. This was when I had one son. Now I am happy if they remember to wipe the pee off the toilet seat. Make that amazed if they wipe the pee off the toilet seat. I resolve to let them try some things and fail. That is, so long as these things do not involve sharp knives, walks in the woods or boiling water. Finally, I resolve to stop insisting on perfection. My obsessive need to get it all done perfectly- cleaning the play room, making the beds and whatever other stupid task I have undertaken- is creating a standard that these boys cannot possible achieve. Why try if failure is guaranteed? Better yet, why try if Mom will simply do it for me?

Now I'm off to help with baths. This will mean staying in the bathroom for the three year old, staying outside the open door for the five year old and letting the other two fend for themselves. This is new territory. Wish me luck. I am sure I am going to be sitting on my hands and clamping my mouth shut a great deal over the next few weeks. My husband will be very grateful and the noise level should drop appreciably. Most importantly, I know I will raise stronger boys for it.