Who was it that told me I had to do everything and I had to do it well? I want to track them down and beat them to a bloody pulp. I have a feeling, however, I could search high and low, and there would be no one to blame but myself. I don't recall anyone telling me that I had to do it all. I do, however, recall reading that I "could have it all." I tried. What a load of crap that turned out to be.
I consider myself a card carrying feminist. That, and $4.75 will get me a cup of over priced nonfat, steamed mochachino. For all that I have gained from the study of the women's movement, for all the inspiration I have garnered from the hard fought victories in the voting booth, the workplace and the classroom, I must now admit that feminism has, over the course of my life, let me down. More accurately, my interpretation of what feminism was let me down. I heard the call to be all I could be loud and clear. I went to law school. I practiced law. I married well after establishing a career, sewing my oats and seeing a bit of the world. I didn't change my name. I didn't stop working after having children. I was mentally and physically exhausted by the effort. I couldn't do it anymore.
I have learned that the feminism that I loved as a young woman is not the feminism that sustains me as an older, stay at home mother. Feminism means a lot of things to a lot of people, both good and bad. What it meant to me was never accepting that I could be less than any man, that I would never be worth less than any man and that I should be as ambitious, driven and successful as any man. This was a very upsetting message to revisit after the decision to stay at home with my, then, three children. The very message that moved me to great heights was dragging me into a well of deep depression.
I have learned the hard way that no one, man or woman, can have it all. There are choices to be made in this life and we each have our own deeply personal reasons for making them. Feminism to me now means that a freely chosen path should be the goal for us all, men and women alike. The decision to build a career and not to have children should be as valued as one to stay at home and raise the children we decide to bear. The decision to have children and carry on with a career should be as guilt free as choosing to stop working and stay at home. The older version of feminism somehow put all these women and their differing choices at odds with one another. It reminds me of the war strategy of "divide and conquer"-maybe some medieval thinking man put this stupid idea out there and it caught on.
I can't tell you how liberating it was for me to finally realize that I was no less of a successful woman, no less of a feminist because I chose a more "traditional" road. I spent years aching for the loss of my other self without allowing myself to enjoy any of the fruits of my new, unimagined life. Yes, I still want to go back to work, but it is because I want to feel that sense of power that comes from earning and sustaining an income. Let's face it, money is both the root of all evil and it makes the world go 'round. I also want to work to feel creative and connected. What I don't now feel is the need to work just to validate myself as a worthy person. I recall many times making excuses or jokes about the fact that I was a stay at home mom to those in the working world. I felt inferior to them, like I had nothing to contribute to the conversation anymore. Now I realize that my conversations are much more diverse, interesting, tolerant and respectful with the addition of my new world perspective.
I know that there are thousands of women out there that feel the same as I do. Most women who believe in all the ideals of gender equality, pay equity and equal parenting would never dream of calling themselves feminists because of all the negative baggage that term now carries. Well, I am still a feminist and I am still proud of it. I will work hard to pass on my views of feminism to my four sons: that all people are worthy of respect and consideration no matter what their gender, color, class, religion or orientation; that anyone can be whatever they want to be with enough hard work and determination; and that freedom means choosing the path that is right for you, not being forced down a path by virtue of someone else's idea of gender roles. Feminism in its old form with my old perspective may have let me down, but ultimately the ideals of feminism in applied to my newly evolved self has pulled me from the depths and allows me to celebrate all of my choices.
I can't have it all. That is clear. I don't want it all. As Stephen Wright would say, "where would I put it?" I have more than enough. There is both peace and grace in that realization. I hope you feel the same. After all is said and done, isn't that what this is really all about?
UPDATE: After I posted this, my brother-in-law passed on the October 26 edition of Time Magazine. The cover story is The State of the American Woman: A New Poll Shows Why There are More Powerful- But Less Happy. I guess I was on to something. I highly recommend checking this out. There are two commentaries that especially interesting. One by Maria Shriver entitled The Unfinished Revolution and one by Nancy Gibbs entitled Who Am I to You? Going by Ms. was once a statement. What does it tell us if it's now become a matter of convenience. So much intellectual stimulation, so little time...
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